The Letters We Never Send

Dear Vermont’s Original,

Thank you for making your wonderful Bag Balm ointment, in that nifty square green tin. I can believe that it worked so well on the chapped udders of dairy cows that farmers began using it on their own skin.

While it has proven very helpful in hydrating my skin, and that of my children, the downside is the aroma. It seems my children don’t want to smell like a chapped Holstein, and no amount of mothering can convince them otherwise. After the first application to my sons red cheeks, he banned the balm from his tiny life forever, and refuses to let me near him with the tin. Not only that, but he complains if I use your product prior to laying with him at night. I stink too much to snuggle with. Yes, believe it, your product is increasing division in American families.

As a result of this refusal of cooperation, I have taken to sneaking into the children’s bedroom at night like a slickly oiled Moisture Fairy. I wait until the kids are sound asleep, then begin covering their faces in Bag Balm with lightening Ninja speed.

I have learned that should you apply the balm at a normal rate of speed, the child in question often begins to squirm remarkably, flail their arms, and demonstrate general suffocation-type noises. While I have no concrete proof at this time, I would believe it possible that your Bag Balm also leads to pediatric nightmares, possibly those of a drowning nature, or similar to having a water buffalo sit on a cross-stitched goose down pillow, placed strategically over your face.

Have you ever considered Bubble Gum scent? Or Cotton Candy? Kids love that stuff. Tylenol turned my offspring in to drug seeking hypochondriacs by utilizing those flavors in their syrup. Please consider my suggestions, and in return I shall request no compensation for the utilization of my original ideas. Just please stop making us all smell like eczema encrusted bovine.


Mrs. Schenanigans



Dear Pfizer Drug Company,

As the manufacturer of Xanax, the 9th most commonly prescribed drug between 2002 – 2009, you must be very comfortable with the success of your product. Xanax has a sparkling reputation for being incredibly calming, assisting with controlling panic and anxiety, as well as being used “for control of disruptive behavioral episodes”, according to:

That’s great! Now is the perfect time for a little risk, possibly shake things up a bit, right? Have you ever thought about an aerosol solution? Possibly in a pediatric concentrate? You could give the nozzle 2 options, a broad mist for close up encounters, or a jet stream for hitting your target while he/she is in the middle of an altercation. Say with a sibling, or a cat.

We all know screaming at children is harmful for their little gentle little spirits. Why not generate an alternative solution to end the daily fights, squabbles, and  classroom discord, by creating a subtle Bubble Gum (or Cotton Candy) scented breeze to waft through a room and settle like a relaxing cloud. Can you see the children smiling now? Do you understand the unity this new product can introduce into the American family’s nightly routine? No more dinnertime fights. No more shoving at the sink to spit first at chomper brushin’ time. Bruises and wrestling over toys will become a thing of the past. Perhaps with the amount of money the health insurance companies will save on pediatric ER trips and sutures, they could send your Xanax spray solution as a baby gift at the birth of each new member.

Sound’s dreamy, right? And lucrative, too. Target and Wal-mart would have to order case loads to stock their shelves, and aerosol Xanax will make drug history as the first nasal calming spray to end sibling rivalry. Not to mention how it could revolutionize classroom behavior in schools around the world. One simple parental consent form at the beginning of the year, and that teacher will have ample time to whip through their entire lesson plan with not one minute lost to discipline issues.

Feel free to contact me further to discuss compensation and the conditions of my contract, as my ideas are quite valuable. I look forward to hearing from you soon. I’m free on Friday.


Mrs. Schenanigans







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