Paging Doctor Breakfast

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I find it very hard to believe that the same God who created dogs, then turned around and made cats. I see no evidence of similar character traits between the two. Generally, one can see the figurative fingerprints of a creator or author among all their works of art. But not here. Both species have 4 legs, fur, and generally a tail. That’s as far as they get, according to me.

Take for instance Grover dog. Our gentle, patient, and loyal House Cow. He’s dependable, comforting, therapeutic, and an excellent playmate. 🙂

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This good boy smiles in his sleep.

Compared to Jax, our tabby Barn Cat, who managed to weasel his way into the house every evening and for large portions of the day. He sleeps where he’s not supposed to (like on the pillow I removed from my bed DAILY to avoid headaches), gives you his belly during head scratching but bites you if you pet it, and STILL demands his breakfast at 5am despite the schedule change NINE MONTHS AGO!

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THIS is the pillow I remove from the bed so he won’t lay on it during the day and I can stop waking up with headaches!

At first it was gentle nudges and little mews, reminding us to get up and feed him before work/exercise, despite the whole world shutting down in March. No, he would not be content to wait another two hours for a more reasonable time for his meal. ‘Cause he’s a cat. He then started nipping fingers that dangled over the human bed, and knowingly raking his claws down the sides of the ONLY NEW CHAIR in the whole entire house! Everything else came second hand, claw it all you want. But no, this yellow terrorist singles out my new cloth desk chair, conveniently located next to the bed, and attempts to shred it like cheddar until you can no longer take the sound of your one nice thing being destroyed. I tried covering it with a blanket, but clever the clever jerk would stick his demon paws up under the blanket and stretch waaaay high to get that extra good ripping sound! Only at 5am. Never after breakfast, never any other time of the day. Just. 5. AM!

As the weather warmed for the summer we began locking Jax out over night. When someone is unemployed, it’s a little rough to have a cat reminding them every morning that they have nothing to get up for. Thanks a heap, feline. I see why you were a rescue. But even from the porch, Jax ruled the morning routine with an iron paw. While we humans could no longer hear him, Grover the black and white dummy could, and he would wake us up each morning to lead us to the back door to let the cat in. Yes, the cat was using the dog to do his bidding. Stupid loyal canine! I love him, but he’s an idiot.

So when Jax started using Grover as his pawn to wake us up, we began making him a better offer. If Grover could stay quiet and calm about the cat crying on the back deck (who, BTW, is a phenomenal hunter and obviously not starving), we’d let him into the comfy human bed and he could sleep-in with the people like a good dog. It worked. For a while.

Then the weather got cold and our barn cat got crafty. He began slipping in while we let the dog our for the final drain of the night. Now he was back in the house and it was too cold to kick him out. We moved the new chair out of our bedroom and now when he cried in the wee hours of the morning, we ignored him. Some days we’d get up and shut him out of the bedroom, but then we have to shut all the kid’s doors, too, or he would go wake one of them up! He plays dirty.

However this week… this week our rescued problem child has kicked his breakfast demands up to a new precedent of annoying. He has located the table in our room where intercom system is for speaking with someone in the basement, and presses on the Page button. This makes an ear piercing ring blasting all humans from their sleep! Yesterday, THREE TIMES between 5am and 6am the cat had literally paged us to feed him breakfast. I have never hated a cat so much as that moment! SERIOUSLY?! No other time of day. Just before breakfast.

In a pre-emptive strike, last night we closed the door to the kid’s rooms, closed the door to our room, and went to bed cat free. We were gonna be winners! Except our House Cow had fallen asleep on the sofa and wasn’t ready for his nightly migration to the bedroom doggie bed until about 3am. At which time he began pawing the closed door every three minutes for an hour until one of us let him in. He’d clearly been trained by the cat.

Had I not been the kind of person who commits to keeping whatever animal I bring home for a lifetime, I may be having a few second thoughts about pet ownership right about now. However, that was never an option. They are mine for good, for better or worse. Kinda like marriage. Except married people know better than to wake their spouse up at 5am demanding breakfast. At least, the ones who stay married do!

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If it weren’t for these few moments of weekly lap sitting (ONLY if I have a fleece blanket on my lap, and only in winter), this cat would be bringing precious little to the table at this point! Also, please ignore my kid’s fort in the left corner, we’ve been home since March and all creative play is welcome here!

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